Always dress well. Security is faster, people are nicer, and if you meet someone you're not in pyjamas. Do not wear shorts. Planes are cold. Change in the airport if you have to.
Be flirty and cheerful with the check in people. Especially if your bag is overweight. They're usually bored and open to banter.
Plan your bag. Make sure your laptop slides out.
Pick your queue well for security. You are looking for
1. the number of people in the que,
2.the proximity of the scanner's exit to the entrance to the shopping area, and
3. the age/racial profile of the people queuing.
Asian businessmen are fastest to follow when queuing for security. Then white businessmen, and then white families. Young women in sweatpants are surprisingly fast. The slowest are nouveau-riche Chinese (who don't know how to que), coloured people with non-western clothes, and old people. Arabic people go through at a surprisingly normal rate, but will likely get "randomly" searched as they walk about later. Couples can be stupid, languid and lovestruck.
Bring an empty bottle through security and fill it from drinking fountains when you're through.
Hold your passport open, your picture page unobscured on the bottom, your ticket across the top. Don't start fumbling when you get there.
Assign a single pocket to avoid passport panic.
If someone needs help with a bag, don't hesitate and do insist.
Have an item of clothing to use as a pillow. Airplane seats are crap.
Always be the last on the plane. While waiting, sit in the seat nearest the gate and allow the que to disappear while you watch in comfort, then step up casually. This way you won't have to stand, and when at last you seat yourself, you won't be hit in the head as late arrivers shuffle their bags into overhead compartments.
If seating isn't assigned, ask to sit in the emergency row. Usually the air hostess will stand in it. This is not because she's minding it, but because it's easier to stand in. Just ask and you can have the legroom.
Announcements are always unpleasant because of their caustic treble-saturated volume. Put a finger in your ear on the speaker side. Expect babies to cry.
When babies do cry, imagine they are distant F1 cars flying around a course, changing gears. Seriously.
Take off your shoes on the plane. It's so much more comfortable if you're in the air for a few hours. If you keep your shoes on, your feet will sweat and your socks will feel unpleasant on arrival.
Marvel at the clouds. Every time.
Have in-ear headphones. They're cheaper than active noise cancelling, work equally well, and you can wear them as earplugs without an uneasy dead sound. Also, you can roll your head sideways and sleep, where a headset will keep you jammed facing forward.
Read a book.
Stand up and stretch occasionally. Don't be embarrassed about going for a walk-about. You'll feel more alive on landing.
If you watch a movie, check if children can see your screen. Having sex or gore unavoidably on display where a child can see it is extremely poor form.
If you read or watch a movie, glance up every so often at the farthest away part of the cabin you can see to give your eyes a rest and a stretch.
Make sure your movie will end at least 30 minutes before you land. Nothing worse than having 10 minutes left and the system is turned off.
Do not expect the sleep you get on a plane to count for anything, ever.
Leave the plane after the crowd. I have never beaten my luggage to the carousel. If you have checked in bags, there's no good reason to bustle in the isle. Read a book, chill out, and wait until it's clear.
Brush your teeth and wash your face while you wait for your bags. Spray some aftershave. Freshen up. You probably look like you slept in your clothes.
If you're being collected by a friend or by family, turn on your phone and answer any messages that want answers before going through the doors to arrivals. Those moments of reacquaintance, embrace, and drive home are important to whoever picks you up or they wouldn't be there.
Remember that air travel is a ridiculous, silly, and fantastic thing to exist, and that though it may be commonplace these days, it should be treated as a privilege and a marvel.
